Black Caps Fan Guide to the Cricket World Cup Final 2019
The Black Caps have booked themselves a second consecutive Cricket World Cup final berth after a TDODI (Two Day One Day International) victory over India thanks to the heroics of Kane Williamson, Ross Taylor, Matt Henry, Trent Boult, Mitchell Santner, James Neesham, Martin Guptill and Richard Illingworth. Here is your comprehensive guide for your weekend lead up to a game that could finish with Monday’s sun coming up in Aotearoa.
Audibly cough with workmates in earshot, announce loudly “I think I’m coming down with something”. Having spent the last 32 minutes in the office rewatching highlights of the Semi Final, loudly celebrating Kohli’s wicket each time, they’ll know you’re not coming down with anything but have already been infected with Black Caps fever of which you’ve got no chance of recovering from by Monday.
Spend time with your loved ones, especially if for some reason they haven’t caught Black Caps fever, perhaps having been vaccinated by an upbringing of art, culture and weekends at the beach. Now is a good time to talk about something other than the cricket like…well I’m sure you’ll think of something. Ensure your pets are looked after – check the cats have enough food, your dog’s Steady the Ship hat fits her comfortably, and that your goat realises you’re not talking about him each time you mention Ross Taylor.
You plan to sleep in but the thought of Guptill nicking out early again wakes you in a cold sweat. Check Kane Williamson’s scores for the tournament, kiss the picture of him next to your bed and return to sleep.
Head to the supermarket to ‘beat the rush’ and stock up on goodies for the contest. You will of course finish these off before nightfall, but having drastically overestimated the in flux of cricket fans to your local supermarket you will be able to pop out again and stock up, at least once.
Either watch highlights of the 2015 Semi Final, or watch highlights of the 2015 Semi Final. Dispensation will be given to those who choose to watch the full replay. Following this, relief will likely grow as you realise there’s no risk of losing another final to Australia. You may even feel you are satisfied with another final appearance and that losing to England won’t be so bad. Watch the videos below and recall the WWDVD bracelet you used to wear. Convince yourself England are dickheads and remind yourself how they love to choke.
For dinner you are going to want a fat laden meal to get you through a cold winter’s night. Fast food is an easy option, as is a supermarket pie (maybe you’ve gotta stock up on treats) or heck you could even cook yourself a nice stew. After dinner you can settle down and watch another over achieving New Zealand sports team do battle. If you can’t find one, the Warriors are playing at 7pm.
The Warriors will lead after 60 minutes in which case start getting ready for bed, confident they will see the job through. Do not check the score until Tuesday.
An early bed time may be tough to accommodate and your body will not surrender easily. Load up all footage you can find of Mark Richardson’s ODI career and enjoy falling into a heavy sleep.
Another thought of Guptill failing rouses you from your deep slumber with a familiar sense of dread. Check Kane Williamson’s tournament stats, hug the statue of him you have in your bedroom corner and return to sleep
By now you haven’t watched highlights of the India Semi Final in over 24 hours, quickly remedy this before preparing a hearty porridge with a side of Kane’s winning 6 off Pat Cummins at Eden Park.
Now is the most crucial part of the weekend. Sure you’ve had two good nights sleep, but lets be honest, you’re still running a massive sleep deficit and you’ve had more adrenaline running through your veins than a man running from a wild boar, following a live bet on the Blues, having just received a phone call that his wife has gone into labour. What chance are you of surviving into the night? At this stage you may also begin to experience strong pangs of FOMO, having heard your workmates’ Uncle’s squash partner has booked flights over for the game. You contemplate driving to the Ocean and attempting to swim to the Northern Hemisphere. Sure you finished 3rd in your Year Seven 50m backstroke final but now is not the time for a Hail Mary play. You’ve left it later than MS Dhoni.
Set yourself up nicely on the couch, or even back in bed. Put on audio of Jeremy Coney talking about cricket and serenely drift off to sleep listening to words you never knew existed.
Allow yourself a two hour nap, minus the amount of times you chastised New Zealand for their pathetic batting performance. If this figure is negative, just nap for the amount of minutes Kane Williamson has been at the batting crease for his career, divided by 200.
Set your alarm to sound with the bells of Big Ben. Fake a phone call to a mate to talk about your night out at Walkabout, laugh at how he ended up in Clapham when he accidentally took the Northern line. You could even call a real mate. Your sleep deprived, dazed body will convince itself you are in the UK and you will be set for the day ahead. In drastic cases, convince those living with you to talk in a British accent for the day. Be careful not to overdo it though as you still want to be supporting New Zealand come game time. Watch a How to Dad video and play two Dave Dobbyn songs before your choice of Black Caps highlight. May I suggest highlights from the Semi Final vs India? Be sure to head outside an hour before dark as you’ll experience conditions so similar to the English summer you’ll be checking your passport to see how long your visa has left. Be careful to return inside before nightfall. For dinner, a UK dinner that is (lunch), be sure to choose a meal that you associate with English cuisine. May I suggest; any Kiwi meal.
After dinner you’re still going to have several hours before the final kicks off. You could use this time to shadow bat along with highlights of Kane’s hundred vs South Africa in Wellington, watch your favourite Flight of the Conchords episodes, or remind mates that you faced Trent Boult and pumped him down the ground so fiercely that the ball almost reached the boundary.
It is finally time, the captains are out there for the toss. Be sure to return to the exact position you were in when Kane called correctly in the Semi Final. Upon winning the toss, fail miserably to contain your excitement. Upon losing the toss, fail miserably to contain your disappointment.
Use this time before the game kicks off to check in with non cricketing loved ones and remind them you still care about them – be sure to check on the time zone difference first, even if they are just in the other room.
Finally it’s game time, sit back and enjoy the spectacle. Remember if watching live on Sky to delay your comments in group chats by upwards of 50 seconds as not to upset those following on SkyGo.
Be sure to check out a future column titled;
‘How To Cope With Losing Back to Back World Cup Finals’
‘How To Pretend The Things You Said About Kane Williamson During The Game Aren’t Actually True’