Revision Paragraph

06-12-2018 16:12

Original:

          The case of Gore vs Bush brought many complications across the nation. Florida was the deciding factor of who would be the next president on the United States. Democrats and Republicans fought constantly for their favored elector. Democrats fought for Gore and Republicans fought for Bush. Each party argued whether hand recounts or dimpled chads should count. Dimple chads are when the paper isn’t lined properly with the machine and it gets falsely counted. The Democrats desired hand recounts because they thought that Gore actually won the election and thought the machines were inaccurate. 20,000 voters were even considered ineligible to vote because they were thought to be convicted felons. The Republicans argued that Bush won and the machines were accurate. They argued with the law and fought so that the recounts shouldn’t be counted so Bush could stay the winner. In the end, counties didn’t make the deadline for the recounts and Bush was declared the winner.

New:

The high steak race of Gore vs Bush left Americans divided against one another that almost resulted in an all out civil war (talk about a crisis). The anxiety ridden, verbally abusing, and falsely convicted race had Americans in front of their televisions sets knawing at their fingertips as they awaited to hear the winner. This competition wasn’t just some elementary school campaign to decide who the line leader will be, but to decide WHO will lead the American people and be the representation of the country for the next four years (those are some big shoes to fill). Bush was declared the winner, but many Democrats acted out in rage of burning fury and demanded the votes be recounted because they don’t trust the machines. A whopping 20,000 people couldn’t even participate due to them being thought to be convicted of felonies, but lets be honest here we really wouldn’t want criminals to decide the fate and future of our country anyway. However, counties didn’t recount fast enough and Bush was still declared to be the future President of the United States. In the end, Republicans won and the ball stayed in Bush’s hand for the next eight years while Gore was on the bench wishing he could’ve scored more baskets.

I revised my paragraph to sound less factual and to include more of my personality. Sometimes factual paragraphs can just be boring and un-interest people, so I spiced it up a bit. I include parentheses that include my personal side comments and humor, added more vocabulary, added more descriptive words, and tried and make it more light hearted. Overall, i’m happy with the revisions.

 

 

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