Total Drama Island The Very Last Episode, Really! Transcript
Chris: Ahh. Morning in Muskoka. The birds chirping. The loon calling.
Chris: The majestic gentle sounds of beautiful Northern Ontario.
Chris: Welcome to the most dramatic thrilling episode yet! [blows party blower]
Chris: It’s been a long eight weeks at Camp Wawanakwa and Total Drama Island is about to come to an end.
Chris: Today, two campers remain. By sundown, only one will be left standing.
Chris: That camper will go home with a check for $100,000! Who will it be? Brooding, untan, alternative artist Gwen? Or the large and lovable goofball Owen? Go grab a snack, have a pee if you have to. SIt your butt down and get ready for… the dramatic final conclusion of… Total. Drama. Island!
Chris: Welcome back. We asked our finalists to record their thoughts in our confessional booth before going into the final round.
Owen: [confessional] I had a wicked time!
Owen: [voiceover] It was awesome.
Owen: Yeah! Who’s the man?!
Gwen: [confessional] What was it like being here for eight weeks?
Gwen: [confessional] [voiceover] It sucked, that’s what.
Chef: [confessional] You think it’s easy cookin’ for twenty-two ungrateful teenagers? Man, I’ve had better jobs in prison.
Owen: The food was awesome!
Chef: [confessional] At least someone’s appreciative. Slavin’ all day at a hot stove.
Gwen: [confessional] The food… was disgusting!
Chef: [confessional] “Less rat droppings”. Does this look like a five-star restaurant to you?
Owen: [confessional] And the people were just awesome!
Gwen: [confessional] The people here… sucked. They were nothing but a bunch of backstabbing, manipulative, two-timing, fame-hungry, dimwitted, certifiably insane, really weird, psychotic, redneck, overbearing, goody-goody, know-it-all, party-obsessed jerks. [blows hair] I was lucky enough to meet five people who are actually sane.
Owen: [confessional] The one thing I’ll be remembered for? Uh…
[multiple farts over flashbacks]
Owen: [confessional] I hope my great personality. [farts]
Gwen: [confessional] What will I be remembered for? My great personality! Okay, I’m done here.
Chris: Now it’s time to welcome the twenty campers who did not make it to the finals.
Owen: Hey guys! Whoohoo! Good to see ya!
Chris: Would everyone who’s walked the Dock of Shame and left camp on the Boat of Losers kindly take a seat in the Peanut Gallery of Failure? The side you choose should represent who you would like to cheer on to victory in today’s final competition.
Gwen: [chuckles] Nice rug.
Heather: Oh, bite me. Stop touching my hair, crazy girl. [confessional] Gwen is going down. How do I know?
Gwen: “Good luck today. Love, Trent.”
Heather: [confessional] It’s amazing how easy it is to tamper with baked goods! [singing] Fast acting for strong and reliable relief! Sucker!
Gwen: Why is Heather smiling like that?
Owen: Maybe she loves her new do! Or she could just be really happy for us.
Gwen: Wow. Do you ever have a bad thought about anyone?
Chris: Gwen, Owen, this is your chance to tell the Peanut Gallery of Failure what you would do with the money if you won, and why you deserve it?
Gwen: Well, I guess I’m pretty proud of getting this far. I mean, maybe if I can survive here, the rest of high school won’t be so bad.
Izzy: [laughs] Oh, sorry.
Gwen: Well, I’m always good for my word, and I did promise to split my hundred grand with Owen. But that would still leave me a ton of cash. I guess I’d go traveling and then to university to study art history.
Leshawna: Whoo! Yeah, that’s it! Girlfriend’s got some goals!
Trent: Very cool.
Chris: Wow, that’s really sweet. Boring, but sweet. Owen?
Owen: I’d throw the biggest, hugest, sickest party ever! And invite everyone here! Booyah!
Heather: Owen! Whoo! Whoo! Owen! [blows raspberry]
Gwen: At least not all of you are total sellouts.
Owen: Oh! Oh! And I forgot! It’ll be on a yacht!
Chris: All right. It’s time for the final challenge. The rejected Olympic relay race.
Chris: Each of the three parts was pitched to the committee, but sadly rejected as an Olympic sport.
Chris: First, each of you has to put on one of these.
Gwen: I think it’s clear why this event wasn’t accepted.
Chris: Dressed as a cow and a chicken, run to the first location and shimmy up the pole to retrieve your flag. If you don’t have the flag, don’t bother comin’ down off that pole!
Geoff: Oh, that’s gonna be tough for the big guy.
Chris: Next, you will cross a three hundred meter balance beam, suspended over a massive gorge, while carrying an eagle’s egg.
Owen: Oh. Hehe. Is that all?
Chris: No. Below, your friends, the rare, but real, man-eating, freshwater sharks.
Gwen: You had to ask.
Chris: The final leg of the race is a long distance run. Returning to the finish line here. First camper to arrive wins.
Gwen: Good luck, Owen. If I had to lose to anyone here, it’d be you.
Owen: Aww, that’s so nice. I hope you lose to me too.
Geoff: Yeah, go Owen! We want a party!
Owen: You’re gonna get one! Woohoo!
Leshawna: Go, Gwen! Kick his butt, girl!
Trent: You can do it, Gwen!
Eva: I don’t cheer.
Trent: Come on, Gwen! You’ve got this!
Chris: On your marks, get set, go!
Izzy: Yay, Owen! Go, Owen! Run!
Owen: Ah! [confessional] Izzy’s such a great cheerleader, but dude, she scared me a little.
Gwen: [panting] If I ignore you, will you go away?
Trent: Not likely.
Gwen: [grunts] You know, just because you’re rooting for me doesn’t mean I have to like you.
Trent: I thought you were over the whole “me kissing Heather” thing. It wasn’t my fault. She ambushed me.
Gwen: [grunts] I said I was over it, I didn’t say I wanted to go out with you anymore. [groans] Why is my flagpole so slippery?
Gwen: Well, if you’re gonna stand there annoying me, make yourself useful.
Leshawna: Yo! Let’s go, girl! You don’t have time for daydreaming!
Gwen: That’s better. Thanks.
Geoff, Izzy, and Heather: [grunting]
Owen: Aw, man. Aw, [grunting] Oh, oh, oh! Yes! I got it, I got the flag! Haha! How do I get down?
Geoff: Slide like a fireman, dude!
Owen: Ahh, pole burn! That hurts! Aw, crap that’s bad! I have conquered Mount Pole!
Heather: That’s great. But weird goth girl is getting ahead. Get your lazy butt in gear now, Owen, now!
Owen: [confessional] Okay. These chicks are all starting to scare me. Maybe I won’t invite them to the party. Psych!
Chris: Okay, new intern. I know it’s weird that you’re starting on our last show, but all of the other interns died already. All you have to do is test out this final challenge to make sure it’s moderately safe.
Chris: Don’t look down, dude!
[splash, sharks chomp]
Chris: Well, that looks safe enough.
Gwen: You don’t have to follow me the whole time, you know!
Trent: I don’t have anything better to do.
Gwen: Why don’t you go cheer for Owen? I know you wanna go to his party.
Trent: Yeah, and I’m thinking of bringing you. Hey, check it out. I’ll meet you on the other side, okay?
Gwen: Right. Like you care.
Trent: I do. It doesn’t look that bad.
Gwen: I’m gonna die now. I’m gonna freakin’ die.
Chris: Okay. Gwen has her eagle’s egg and is starting the second challenge.
Trent: What are the eggs for?
Chef: Oh, you’ll see. Hehe.
Heather: Listen closely, Owen. I really want you to have this party more than anything in the world. Now, I’m helping you as much as I can, but you’ve gotta lock it up! Got it?
Owen: Okay, sure, Heather. Alexander the freaking Great, that’s a deep gorge!
Gwen: Whoa, whoa!
Chef, Chris, and Trent: [gasp]
Trent: That’s it! Get your balance back and stay calm!
Owen: Oh, no! Hang on, Gwen, you can do it! Just don’t fall into the shark-infested water!
Gwen: Really not helping, Owen.
Heather: And when is that stupid cupcake gonna kick in?
Gwen: What was that?!
Chris: Angry eagle parents?
Duncan: Oh, snap, that is messed up!
Courtney: What? You mean you like watching this? They could die!
Duncan: Oh, mellow your yellow babe. This is awesome TV.
Courtney: [confessional] Duncan is so immature. What is it about almost dying and bodily functions that guys love? [real time] Why would I want to watch Gwen and Owen risk their lives?
Duncan: This is life at its most raw. Check out Elvis here with his guitar. One misstep and his girlfriend is shark bait. Now that would make for an interesting song.
Courtney: [confessional] Then again, danger is kinda hot. [real time] [moans]
Courtney: [pants] You’re still not my type.
Duncan: You make me sick.
Owen: Schnikies! It’s coming this way! [screams] What do we do?!
Gwen: Step on it!
Heather: Incensed eagle parents, nice twist.
Trent: You can do it, Gwen! You’re the most awesome girl I’ve ever met! In fact, I was thinking… I think I lo–
Gwen: Okay! I so can’t deal with distractions right now, Trent!
Heather: Then you’re gonna hate this!
Gwen: Oh, wow.
Owen: So beautiful. [gasps] No words.
Trent: Gwen! Ignore the incredibly hot man-candy and keep walking!
Gwen: Huh, is that all you’ve got?
Owen: There you go, little eagle orphan eggy. Don’t worry. I’m sure the–
Heather: Run! She’s getting the lead! Again!
Owen: Okay. Sheesh.
Trent: Glad you didn’t die back there.
Gwen: Gee. Thanks. Oh, I almost forgot. Thanks for the cupcake.
Trent: What cupcake?
Gwen: The one you left for me.
Trent: I didn’t leave you a cupcake. Was it good?
Gwen: I don’t know, I didn’t eat it.
Owen: Oh. Oh, oh no! Quick! W-Where’s the bathroom out here?!
Chris: Owen, no! Not in the confession can!
Izzy, Courtney, DJ, Duncan, and Geoff: [gasp]
Owen: Ahh… Haha.
Heather: What is going on here?!
Owen: Morning, fellow finalist. Hahaha.
Gwen: Hey, what’s up?
Owen: That’s a really good looking cupcake you got there. It’s all chocolatey and gooey.
Gwen: Knock yourself out.
Owen: Mm, oh yeah. That’s a good cupcake.
Gwen: I’d avoid the confession booth for a while.
Leshawna: That’s it. Go, girl! You got it!
Trent: So just to clarify, you’re not mad at me anymore?
Trent: But you don’t trust me, either?
Gwen: Right again.
Trent: Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Gwen: Um, nope. Nothing comes to mind. What are you doing?
Trent: [grunting] Proving my feelings for you.
Gwen: By carrying a boulder?
Trent: [grunts] It’s not easy you know. A guy would have to really be in love to do this, don’t you think?
Gwen: Or just really stupid.
Trent: I get straight A’s.
Gwen: Well, I think you’re nuts.
Lindsay: Oh no! Gwen is winning! Our yacht party is in jeopardy!
Geoff: Dudes! We have to do something!
Izzy: Wait, I have a plan! Has anyone seen a really big electric fan here?
Chris: Sure. Got one in my trailer.
Geoff: You do?
Chris: Do you think I get this windblown look naturally?
Izzy: Get it, and meet me back here! Run!
Gwen: You’re gonna kill yourself, you know.
Trent: [grunts] I’m not giving up on you.
Chris: There they are. Two real competitors, and if I may say, truly personifying the spirit of the reject Olympics.
Trent: [grunts] How’s it goin’?
Owen: Oh, good! Haha! Hey, don’t give up. I think you’re getting through to her, dude. Gordy Howe, I am tired. [panting]
Trent: [grunts] Oh…
Cody and Leshawna: [cheering]
Izzy: Hot brownies comin’ through. Lindsay, the fan! Now!
Heather: Ahh! My wig! Can’t you freaks do anything right?!
Leshawna: Ooh, that’s it! I’ve had about enough of that girl. [grunts]
Heather: [screams] Ahh! Let me out of here! Ugh! Leshawna! Oh my gosh… Owen! You are so gross!
Owen: [panting] I think it’s over for me, dude.
Trent: It’s too bad, bro. I would’ve liked going to that party.
Owen: [sniffs] Wait. Is that… brownies? Move! [panting]
[everyone but Trent, Gwen, Owen, Cody, Eva, and Leshawna cheer]
[cheers from outside the confessional]
Heather: [confessional] What happened?! Who won?! Hello?! Oh! Ugh…
Owen: Woohoo! I won! I won!
Trent: You okay?
Gwen: Yeah. Just remind me never to get between Owen and a brownie again.
Gwen: [sighs] So that’s that. Owen won.
Trent: Ah, look at it this way. It’s gonna be one heck of a party.
Gwen: Ahem. Aren’t you forgetting something? Haha, ah! Put me down!
Trent: Say you’ll go out with me. C’mon, say it!
Gwen: [chuckles] Okay, okay, I’ll go out with you!
Owen: You guys are going out? Awesome! You’re coming to my party together! Woohoo! I’m a hundred-thousand-dollarianaire! [laughs] Woohoo!
Eva: [to Heather] You really stink.
Chris: Here we are. At the last bonfire ever. After eight brutal weeks, it is my great pleasure to announce the winner of Total Drama Island… Owen!
[everyone but Heather cheers]
Owen: Yeah, baby! Hey, what can I say, Chris? Haha. I’m so psyched. This is just…
Tyler, Gwen, Leshawna, and Trent: Awesome?
Owen: Yes! Party next week, everyone!
[everyone but Eva cheers]
Trent: You even a bit bummed?
Gwen: I guess. But hey, I came second out of twenty-two. That’s pretty good, right?
Chris: Owen, at this time, I give you the ultimate symbol of survival. The final marshmallow.
Owen: I’ll treasure it for the rest of my life. Oh, screw it! I can buy all the marshmallows I want now!
Geoff: Yo, Owen. You know what it’s time for?
Chris: No, no, no! Guys, my hair! Dudes!
Lindsay, Heather, Leshawna, Izzy, and Gwen: [cheering]
Owen, Geoff, and Duncan: One… two… three!
Chris: Ahh! Gah!
Owen, Geoff, Chef, and Duncan: [laughing]
Chef: I’ve been wanting to do that all summer! How do you like that, pretty boy?! Huh?!
Geoff: [singsong] Oh, Chef…
Owen: Haha, you’re next dude!
Leshawna, Izzy, and Gwen: [cheering]
Gwen: Oh, come on! You’ve gotta be a little bit happy to see him get dunked.
Heather: No. Yeah, a bit.
Gwen: You still stink though.