Side Car- Part 1- preamble

12-01-2019 06:01

go somewhere. do what everyone else did. take the same pictures and see the same things. then feel like you accomplished something, i guess. . . ?

There seems to be something men think is mythical about dating profile pictures. They are certain that with the right combination of metal, muscle, or meniscus, they will find a …. whatever they are looking for. (Generally they all say they want a relationship but are actually dying to #NailandBail).

There is a tragically large number of men who pose with:

  • Beers in hand looking loaded
  • Posed on a motorbike
  • Posed on a sports car
  • Posed in the gym
  • Posed after a race
  • Posed on Machu Picchu
  • Posed jumping out of a plane or other relatively safe canned life experience you do when you’re dying to be interesting

Let me tell you…. I know a few girls who are into cars. Special handles for their doors, custom rails, weird ass signal lights where the plastic is darker red and lighter yellow than the factory supplied versions and it makes their car which is their pride and joy photograph better… their cars are jacked in a way they describe in beautiful detail and I can listen to them go on about for maybe 3 minutes before wanting to fork myself in the eye. I know some ladies who love cars. Even they don’t care about seeing a car or motorbike in a mans profile pic because half the time- it’s not the guys actual car. Or he’s ‘thinking about’ the bike or ‘he sold it’ (baloney). Or- they don’t care if their guy has a car he loves- she has her car club on Saturday morning so if he has a car and car club it might be Sunday and that would mess up her weekend. It is way better for a car loving girl to have a man dying to play video games.

I follow a blog where a woman I love to death catologued her online dating adventures and she found in her age preference and area about 80% of men had motorbikes in their photos. She doesn’t drink and doesn’t love the biker dirty knuckle lifestyle and found most of the men too gruff and wanting to call her ‘baby’ and she started using it as a visual filter. If she saw a motorbike it was a dealbreaker. She occasionally got messages from men who swore they were different but dammit all- they would ‘baby’ her in short order, they would swear if she would just be their hog-momma and be open to some beers they would show her how to learn to love it all.

[Insert massive, diligent, therapeutic wet fart noise right here.]

Here’s the thing. This woman quilts. She writes short stories. She looks impeccable at all times and is saucy and sweet and tiny and is a fireball of amazing. She’s over 50 and knows herself. Do you think after her entire life on earth she should change for some dude who has known her for ten minutes in a message format? Do you think anyone who changes that fast is capable of being real? Is her profile catalogue full of pictures of her at the craft show or scoping out a new sewing machine, so guys can send her a message and say ‘that log cabin motif design looks really sexy’…. or ‘I hope you went Brother brand, they haven’t been around as long but their embroidery ratings are really excelling for their price point’ …. is she looking for someone to press her seams? Fuck no. Of course not. Her images were of her looking like a nice woman, in jeans and a nice top, classy as fuck, but not to do with pastimes that are easily enjoyed separately.

Why the hell are men’s profiles so focused on showing us what they think is cool and neat, and expecting us to swoon and pursue and also enjoy that? (especially when it’s just made up or ‘sold’). To be honest, I hate quilting. I love sewing clothes or bags. None of that is expressed in my profile. I hate cars as a hobby, they are expensive and to me they are something to get me from A to B. It got to the point where I thought her idea wasn’t half bad. I started seeing so many men with motorbikes (donor mobiles to anyone in the medical industry).

Then I realized all the cliches above also generally bugged me. A guy who doesn’t have a picture where he’s not drinking- his glass is always rich with beer bubbles. A guy who has the same canned picture of Machu Picchu as everyone else, without anything else travel related (read: hey, my ex dragged me here and we took the train to the top and then went back to best western- and now I cry about missing her but this makes me look like I don’t watch reruns of Two and a Half Men every night). Pics of a guy flexing at the gym… (if you’re solid and fit, you already look it so that’s just gym pretentious, which doesn’t make sense you meat bag).

I started realizing I was really compartmentalizing and generalizing a lot. Barely reading profiles and relying on these clues. If they managed to not break these rules I might move to the next step.

And as a 35 year old woman, let me say, pickings start to include a lot of these cliches. Pool gets… shallow. Very very slim!

So what about you? Do you pick your swipes with care? Do images matter? The person or the content of the image?

I decided I would find a few people who I found generally attractive and their profiles were appealing and if their content of the photo broke my rules, it was worth testing the theory.

Enter side car- named because his first pic was of him on a bike. A bike that while chatting I determined he owned and was part of a club which would do longer summer road trips and camp. That actually seemed more interesting and about the travel versus the bike. We agreed to meet for a drink after some discussion.

Stay tuned….