If Sixers players were alcoholic beverages (Gastrointestinal issues not included):
It’s been over a week since the Sixers lost Game 7, and the off season is hitting fans, including myself, really hard. To lighten up these dark times, here are what Sixers players would be if they were alcoholic beverages:
Zhaire Smith: Vodka water
Vodka water is probably the safest alcoholic drink. After Zhaire almost died on us after a food allergy, he needs the safest drink possible. No sesame included.
Greg Monroe: A $1 margarita from Applebees
Greg Monroe is about as useless as a back-up center to Embiid than the amount of actual alcohol in an Applebee’s $1 margarita. Enough said.
Johnathon Simmons: PBR in a can
Johnathon Simmons is stale on the court, similar to a PBR when you want a good beer to drink. There’s a reason bars have PBR $1 specials…and they’re still probably more successful than Simmons on the court.
James Ennis III: Crown Royal
Just like Crown Royal, James Ennis III has longevity in the league. Coming from the bottom after living in housing projects growing up, this man deserves to be a top shelf drink.
Furkan Korkmaz: Lemon drop
Based on the pre-game yellow sweat suit he rocked a few weeks ago plus being foreign AF, Korkmaz being a lemon drop shot does him justice.
Amir Johnson: Jäger bomb
Amir Johnson said fuck going to play at the University of Louisville and declared for the NBA Draft instead. This was an extremely ballsy move, similar to how I view people who order Jäger bombs at the bar.
Jonah Bolden: A bottle of White Tail wine
Before you think “oh White Tail wine is cheap, that’s rude”, I happen to be a huge fan of the brand. Twist-off wine is my jam because I don’t have a wine cork opener. This wine is also Australian-based, just like Bolden.
T.J. McConnell: Champagne
Despite T.J. not playing as much this season, his energy on the bench was electrifying to see. I feel this way about a glass of champagne. I may not drink it often, but when I do, it gives me a thrill because I can drink a lot in a short amount of time. Similar to T.J. on the Sixers, I enjoy them both on special occasions like when they’re winning by 20 points or a holiday.
Boban Marjanovic: White Russian
I know Boban isn’t from Russia (although I get Serbia and Siberia mixed up constantly), but he is the biggest white guy on the Sixers at 7’3. White Russians are sweet and hit you like a ton of bricks, similar to Boban. Imagine being in a one-on-one fight with him after he gets pissed off, no thank you.
Mike Scott: Hennessy
Mike Scott reminds me of an expensive bottle of Hennessy, a true gift that keeps on giving. After fully committing to the ninja headband this season I never want him to leave Philly. Scott also faced a potential 25-year prison sentence for drug possession, but successfully got ALL the charges dropped due to evidence of racial profiling. Shout out to that judge for doing the right thing and making it possible for Mike Scott to be a Sixer.
J.J. Redick: Whiskey ginger
Just like J.J. reminds us during interviews he isn’t on social media, we all know those people who constantly remind us “they only drink Whiskey” when you’re at the bar with them. Whiskey gingers are also a hit or miss, similar to J.J. shooting 3-pointers when it matters the most. Whiskey gingers also can’t play defense, but I’ll still drink them.
Tobias Harris: Mimosa
Although my love for mimosas runs deep, I am always unsure of how much champagne are in them. I am still unsure about Tobias Harris, but I really like him at the same time. But just like mimosas at brunch, I always give them a second chance.
Jimmy Butler: Top-shelf Long Island
Jimmy Butler isn’t a regular well Long Island, he is a top shelf Long Island. Just like after I drink my first Long Island, I am hooked on them. Butler is all great things mixed into one. Just like the contract I want the Sixers to give him, this is a MAX drink for a MAX-worthy guy.
Ben Simmons: A patron shot
Probably the only shot he can make at the moment, a patron shot is something many people are too scared to take but still talk shit after you drink it. It’s easy for haters to say Ben Simmons isn’t that good, but those are the same people who probably would get shut down playing rec league basketball. So, to the haters, take your shot of patron with salt…describes y’all well.
Joel Embiid: Jalapeno margarita
Joel Embiid is my favorite person on the planet, so it is only appropriate I compare him to my favorite drink. A patron margarita is already perfect, but making it spicy is a game-changer. Embiid is already a nearly-perfect center for the Sixers, plus his personality and ability to troll only makes him more perfect, just like when you put jalapenos into a margarita.