Man up

25-06-2019 14:06

I wish I could tell you, Pa,

That lately I haven’t been sleeping

Most nights, I just stay in my room and make silent screams with a pillow on my face

Sometimes, I sit on the couch and wait for the next morning to come

I wish I could tell you,

That I have been drinking your alcohols not because

I am becoming a man of my own

(Which is what I want you to believe)

But because sometimes,

I wish I could drown what I feel

And wake up feeling the man you always wanted me to become

Sometimes when you’re not around,

I take out your guns under your bed

And put it in my mouth

It was almost like tasting my own blood

I know how it tastes

Because sometimes at night when I can’t sleep

I make my own wounds

Over and over again

Until there’s no space left for a new scar

I wish I could tell you Pa,

That I am not the man you think I am

That the day I almost crashed your car into the river,

Wasn’t an accident

That there are days when I just stare at myself in the mirror

And ask God why I didn’t become a man like you did

Why I have to go through what you didn’t go through

And why I had to feel what you couldn’t feel

I wish I could tell you,

That there are moments where I just refuse to breathe

And deprive my lungs the right to gasp for air

And I’m sorry I can’t “Man up”

I wish I could tell you Pa,

That every time you take me to the woods to hunt with the rifle in my hands

I stare at it for a long time

And convince not to shoot myself with you around

I wish I could tell you,

That I see myself

In the eyes of the deer

We shot that day