19 Apr 19
THIS week, a couple of roads in London were blocked by a collection of bra-less girls, earnest vicars, earnest girls, bra-less vicars and weird beard men in action trousers and sandals.
One of the activists went on television to explain why they had done this.
We certainly aren’t getting a solution to the environmental crises from these eco-idiots or Sir David’s Netflix show, writes Jeremy Clarkson
Robin Boardman stood up and left after being called ‘self-indulgent’ by Adam Boulton on a Sky News interview
This is what he said: “People are not going to be able to put food on their plates and I won’t stand for that and I won’t stand up for people who won’t stand up for what it means to live on this planet.”
With that, he did some standing up and stormed out of the studio. Like a spoiled generation-Z brat.
Earlier, our eloquent friend told Sky News host Adam Boulton: “We face another hot summer this summer, the El Nino effect. We are going to see the effects right here in the UK.” This isn’t true.
That’s probably true but El Nino is a naturally occurring event that was named when it was first noticed around 2,000 years ago. It has absolutely nothing to do with climate change.
[quote credit=”Jeremy Clarkson”]So, what’s the answer? We tell the Africans they must all starve so a hippo can be happy? Really?[/quote]
The problem is, I suspect, that these poor misguided people are almost certainly getting their information from Sir David Attenborough’s latest series on Netflix, which is a poor imitation of his acclaimed BBC shows.
He told us that because the Chinese have built a dam across the Mekong, much less water is now reaching the sea.
Yes, Sir David, a dam that produces clean, hydro-electric power. What do you want? Another Drax B?
He then told us that hippos in East Africa are struggling to find pools in which to laze all day because upstream, people are using the river water to irrigate their crops.
WE NEED WISE HEADS NOT ECO-IDIOTS
So, what’s the answer? We tell the Africans they must all starve so a hippo can be happy? Really?
There was even one moment when he explained that the mummy and daddy Siamese fighting fish must collect their eggs and pop them into bubbles they’d made themselves because there’s so little oxygen in the water itself.
This isn’t true. The daddy fish does this, and quickly, because if he doesn’t, the mummy fish simply eats all the eggs she’s just laid. I guess you can’t say that sort of thing, though, in these days of #MeToo.
We all know that we are messing up the planet. But what we need are wise heads working out how we make electricity and move about and feed ourselves, while making the smallest impact.
We certainly aren’t getting that from Sir David’s Netflix show and we sure as hell aren’t getting it from those eco-idiots in London.
We’ve all got different ideas for these protesters
EVERYONE seems to have different solutions for dealing with the London protesters.
The BBC think they should be treated as heroes and that everyone else should come down and join the fun.
The police are treating these protesters as if they are baby deer
The police treat each one as a baby deer, carrying it gently to a waiting van and then releasing it back into the wild after it’s had some soup.
Taxi drivers think they should be hosed down with water cannon. Business people think they should be arrested.
Me? I’d quite like to spray their camp with some juicy organic cow manure.
And the ones who superglued themselves to the fence outside Jeremy Corbyn’s house? Simple. Leave them there. For ever.
[boxout headline=”BBC, take the memo” intro=”OH, and a quick memo to the BBC.”]Next time there’s a protest staged by a few hundred people, to be fair and impartial, you must cover the event with a live outside broadcast in which every single passer-by says that what they are doing is the right thing.[/boxout]
Lessons from Wayne
THE Government has announced that by 2025, it wants 90 per cent of all school leavers to have studied a foreign language.
This seems ambitious..
Crystal Palace goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey was seen doing the gesture on a night out with his teammates
We learned this week that Crystal Palace goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey had somehow got through school without learning anything about Nazi Germany or why a Hitler salute might be considered offensive
And I’m sorry. But shouldn’t we worry about teaching kids that sort of stuff before we start teaching them how to order a new fridge freezer in Mandarin Chinese?
Future of gigs is rocked
A VIOLA player at the Royal Opera House is set to receive £750,000 after claiming his hearing was damaged by the noise in the orchestra pit.
So what happens now?
With a viola player claiming £750,000 after claiming his hearing was damaged by the noise in the orchestra pit, it is clear that rock concerts are doomed
Will people in an orchestra have to wear ear defenders so they can’t hear what they or their colleagues are doing? I’m not sure that would work.
One thing is for sure. Rock concerts, as we know them, are doomed.
Because if a band knows they can be sued by a roadie or a bouncer, all we’re going to get is the Sound Of Silence.
Game Of Moans
MUCH has been written about the latest and last series of Game Of Thrones, starring the awesome Emilia Clarke, pictured.
Why? Because if you don’t watch Game Of Thrones, you’re not interested.
Emilia Clarke plays Daenerys in Game Of Thrones
And if you do, you’ve either already seen it – in which case you’re not interested either – or you haven’t, in which case YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW.
Change is Dame good
I’M not sure the fire at Notre Dame cathedral was such a bad thing.
We have been told all week that it’s an irreplaceable 12th Century gem but that’s not strictly accurate.
The Notre Dame blaze has sparked tons of donations to help rebuild the cathedral
Yes, they began building it in the 12th Century but over the years it’s been enlarged, strengthened and improved.
That’s the thing with history. It evolves. You can’t just draw a line in the sand and say: “Right. That’s it. Let’s not change anything ever again.”
Take the spire, for example. The original was blown over and replaced in the 19th Century. Now it needs to be replaced again.
This is good news for French architects who will have to come up with a design. It’s even better news for the nation’s artisans and craftsmen, who will now devote the rest of their lives to the
intricate business of carving oak and chiselling stone.
[quote credit=”Jeremy Clarkson”]Yes, Notre Dame will be different. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.[/quote]
Nobody really uses these skills any more. No one can afford it.
But today, the French government can – and hundreds of years from now, people will marvel at what today’s gnarled old men in leather aprons create.
Yes, Notre Dame will be different. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
As they say in France: “Plus ca change.”
[boxout headline=”Dying for bacon” intro=”RESEARCHERS told us this week that if you have a small amount of bacon once in a while, you stand a tiny chance of dying from bowel cancer.”]The message, then, is clear.
If you give up bacon, you will have the opportunity to die from something else.[/boxout]
The stuff of nightmares
SCIENTISTS this week announced that a pig’s brain that had been cut from the animal’s head and left for ten hours had been brought back to life.
By feeding it warm synthetic blood, various functions were kicked back into action.
Scientists announced that a pig’s brain had been cut out and then brought back to life
[article-rail-section title=”MOST READ IN OPINION” posts_category=”317″ posts_number=”6″ query_type=”popular” /]
The boffins stress, however, that at no point did it have any kind of consciousness. Yeah, I bet they stressed that.
Because cutting a brain out of the head and then keeping it fully functional – that’s the stuff of nightmares.
Busy as a MP-ee
CRIKEY, I’m busy. There’s a new series of The Grand Tour to sort out, plus another new show I’m working on.
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is back soon and, on top of all that, I have this column and two more in The Sunday Times to write every week.
Jeremy Clarkson is in the process of sorting out the new series of The Grand Tour
Sometimes, I wish I was an MP.
Because so far as I can see, they wait to be really busy . . . and then go on holiday.
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